My College Archive

This part of my journal encompasses the struggles and sweets I have experienced in studying in Cebu Normal University. No cheesy things, just pure emotions with my studies.

(As of this moment, only the First Semester of my First Year has been written down here)

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Before my first day at the tertiary level, it was quite peculiar to me that I was not nervous nor too excited about my tomorrow's special milestone. I did not prepare and overthink that much of how it will be like the next day, if it would be my another epic first school day. Tonight, I simply lie down on the bed with my head facing the ceiling, and wonder about how I will get through all the college dramas- the plot twists in it, the emotion-arousing moments of madness, joy, and pain for four years. And most importantly is on how I am going to pass through the four years with strenuous research, projects, and too all-knowing teachers, which I feel I am not prepared for. During our orientation before the opening of the academic year 2018, the speaker said that four years was too short, and would pass so fast. I wish it would be fast as how light travels to the earth so I would not get tired of waiting for my graduation.

First Semester

1st Day

Today was my first college day and I was fake laughing trying to comfort myself with the worries of regression in my head about the degree that I took. I put in tears to solemnly pray that hopefully I would not regret and embrace this novel journey that I'll be taking path. It was not as epic as my first day in SHS, today it was hugely different. It's more serious than what I presumed, it's all about who and I will become in the succeeding years, it's about coping with all the pressures and sticks into one of the crazy heights of education. When I talk about my new friend about literature in the library during our vacant time on the first day, inside of me was pleasing and starving in literature and all the English things. Thinking of what I am before is nostalgic, and it happens to give me worries and doubts about myself for taking Social Studies not English nor even AB- Literature and not even Psychology from which I and my father had decided. But I know this is just the beginning, starts are often tough but I know with God's help I can make it successfully, I can be amazing, and at the end of the day when I will be able to taste that prosperity, these sacrifices and sufferings will all be a good memory to ponder about. I know everything is grace, I know it is and God will help me.

Unlike my first SHS day that was terrible and hiarious to me and my friends since I was all by myself trying to get acquanted with the whole school environment and climate, today my SHS classmate is my college classmate too so I am happy knowing it would not be hard for me to get comfortable in the class. The first classmate I met and greeted was James Walson Pacaldo (apart from James Pino whom I befriended during the interview and my classmate Maime). So I met him in a queue when I wanted to update my study load or maybe I should not call it a line since there were only two people there which is him and a SPED student but es maybe it's a line then. Well, I also meet new friends and buddies like Claire Ann Alinsug and Pam Manalo who are my companies in school. We go together for lunch, in going to the library and somewhere else.

And when I first arrive at the classroom door I was too crazy to follow the advice of my co-SK members who are my friends particularly Dokdok and Philip which is to put a coin in my shoes and when I first step in the door I shall I say "Ako ang maghari dinhi". I don't think it was real but there is nothing wrong in trying. But, how can I even reign a room filled with smart people and unlike me are expressive and unreserved in speaking of their ideas and opinions? But who knows? In my Senior High School I seldom raise my hand to answer questions yet I graduated with With High Honors. However, in my mind, was it absurd to see a 'Social Scientist' as they say as too reserved and introverted? Well, I am one.

It was my first day and my professors are time-conscious, my first subject teacher in World History, Mr. Gerome Lasala, even arrives before the exact time of 7:30 in the morning. Just like all my other professors in other courses, they were all astoundingly intelligent in their fields. We were introduced about how excellent the institution we were enrolled in, hence, telling us to take on the responsibility, be worth it and perform all the things with utmost creativity and ingenuity and be a good representation of the school. I was shocked by how high their standards and so I begin pondering about how I am going to swim in this vast wild ocean.

2nd Day

Sometimes I tried to think of how did I got here. How come? I've been with English with half of my basic education years, I spent time on journalism, on writing essays, poetries, fiction, and nonfiction, I was even English student-teacher even when I was still a freshman, I have been passionate about all these stuff since then and was once told by my mentor and pub adviser that one day I'll be her ‘successor’ (now she is the young principal of my former school), I have been attached to it too much that when I took up my baccalaureate’s degree today I ended up worrying of why I took this degree with my major in Social Studies. I forced myself back then four years ago to forget what had happened and forget English and forget writing, but it seems like it will not be possible for me.

I am trying to counter my worries, trying to pamper myself that it's only my second day and too new to judge myself with all my courses. But I do believe everything is grace, becoming one of the Normalite was a blessing, everybody is apt to study here, many have cried for not being here, hence, being a part of CNU is a great opportunity, I should never say I can't do it, I should rather say I can. Today, I am in the stage of doubting myself again, it has always been again and again as I remember the great moment of doubting my capacity as an individual way back my Young Minds Academy days. Of that doubt, I never have put my best into it, I got to be worried and forgot to do the things I supposed to do like working harder instead of worrying. But it was fine, I know I am too young at that moment. But today I know I was mature enough, yet how come that I am still worrying about what I have chosen. I know I have been interested in Social Sciences I even wanted to become a lawyer one day, hopefully. I am interested in Political Science, in History as well as Philosophy and Psychology but why can't I imagine myself desperately listening to teachers to deeply understand the complex things about Social Sciences and of tediously doing research papers every year in many courses. Maybe I was only intimidated by the teachers and the school as well, the name itself CNU and to be an epitome of excellence like all the others.

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It was even harder for me since my home is too distant from my school. So, I should wake up too early by four in the morning and prepare myself for by five I must go, or else I will meet the heavy traffic of Mandaue and Cebu. In my first week, I even tried to eat breakfast without viand, only rice and milk for I always don’t have time to cook nor run for such an errand which is to buy viand. And on my first day in NSTP, I ate spaghetti for lunch so as not to starve myself because I am getting late in my class. I arrive almost 12:30 in the clock so I have to run as fast as I can to eat in the canteen were two of my friends Maime and Claire are waiting. But every day I got home late, sometimes eight or nine in the evening because of the traffic jam that I think could hardly be solved because it has been years however the government was not able to initiate a project to address this.

I have been through all Statistics and Probability, as well as Trigonometry and other kinds of Math, also to Physics and Chemistry and other sciences in my high school years yet my courses today were incomparable. Honestly, my first say would be hard even if we have not been starting the formal discussion in the first week in the class. Teachers will let you stand in awe with all their knowledge in the different disciplines of Social Sciences. At first, they won’t let you get comfortable and be intimidated for they will emphasize how great your responsibilities are, knowing that you entered a university that is center of excellence, ISO accredited and all the amazing achievements, also they will always repeat to you how significant it would be to study smartly and strive hard because we are not paying for the tuition and that we have to pay back at least by making it till graduation and help the country.

I have this teacher who always emphasizes the importance of Social Studies teachers in regards to the upbringing of students and all the people in general in terms of their citizenship and how they will grow and contribute as an individual in the society. That Social Studies teachers should be blamed for the mentally-sick persons roaming around the streets, that they are to be blamed for people getting involved in the use of drugs, and that they are to be blamed for how irresponsible citizen people are. Now that professor is Dr. Reynaldo Inocian.

But my teacher in Understanding the Self, Mr. Elvin Ruiz, has given me some oodles of realization. Simple question: Is it good or bad? Even answering a dichotomous question is difficult more especially when you have not chosen your stand, nor when you chose what you stand but you are not firm with what you believe. Answering ‘it depends’ is dangerous as he said. And that when you get into that moment you will no longer say ‘it depends’, you should not say ‘it depends’, you got to make your choice. And when you make your choice you must believe in it, stand for it. Can good be bad? Or can bad be good? If it is then it should not be called good, it should not be called bad. Therefore it’s no. Killing is bad, and you have killed someone because of self-defense, it would not mean that because it is out of self-defense it’s good, but it will always be bad, you can’t say it depends. There will come a time that the world will let us decide and we would not answer it depends, we should always make a choice, it is either of the two.

October 2, 2018

Today I feel quite disappointed with myself. I wanted to shout, to cry so that all the heaviness inside me will come out, and yet no matter how I cry I still felt void, I am afraid I might fail. This day is the first day of my midterm examination. This is my first midterm exam and all the anxiety and pressure is on me, it feels like all the vibration has been gathered inside me and all I can do is cry because I am afraid that I may not even pass. Basically, after the World History examination, my classmates have gathered themselves outside and are busy talking about the questions and their answers. All of my classmates and even me never have expected questions like those, almost all the questions require understanding and analysis because I thought it would be similar to the quizzes we took every after the discussion which is purely remembering and bits of understanding. I am with awe after taking that exam and even have literally talked to myself about how stupid I am because I now have two wrong answers after I have talked to James Pino and my other classmates. I just felt terrible because again this is my first examination and this will be 60% of my grade so I am anxious that I might fail. However, whatever may be the results I owe everything to my Almighty God. I am asking St. Therese to please guide me, your little child, lift my sad soul. Help me achieve my objectives and goals.

October 10, 2018

Guess what? Of all my terrible anxiety I am now so much thankful and cheerful. I am thankful to the Lord because I have good scores with all my midterm examinations. For World History, how stupid of me to think that I am stupid that much because I just got the highest score and I am quite happy and proud of what I have scored. My classmates have been teasing me ‘road to summa cum laude’. That was quite a high goal but inside of me I am hoping too or simply to graduate with flying awesome and wonderful colors and be truly proud of myself, of what I have got.

As I have evaluated myself, I think I will be getting good grades. For Logic, I also got the highest score, how amazingly happy I am. With my performance and scores on tests and quizzes I think my labor will bear sweet fruits than I have ever imagined of me. My Foundations of Social Studies is perhaps great too since Sir Inocian handed us an exam that we already took the last time though there are small changes. I got the high score in Children and Adolescent Learners and Learning Principles under Ms. Christise Espera.

Honestly, never have I been gaining quite an esteem not until under Ms. Espera and James Pino who encourages me to be the one to present our group work extemporaneously. I am so pleased to see all of them having an eye and are clapping on me. I feel valued. I feel awesome. This is because I once had this thought that I may not be able to successfully cope with college, that just like Senior High School I will still be continuing to question my worth but then I was able to graduate With High Honors and I am so proud of what I have accomplished. I am just happy, honestly, that James Pino has been the very first instrument of God to help me cope, the very person who not force but encourages me so well to do what I am capable of doing and for believing in me that I can do great things, well because he has always been my group mate and leader in all of my groups in all subject. I believe he saw something in me and why can’t I even not see it on myself. So, as a result, I am slowly gaining confidence and I am thankful for him because not until that reporting day I never would have persevered so much and recognized my capacity (I already have recognized it but I am of great hesitation but because of him who keeps on telling me that I can do it and I eventually did). He may not be aware of what he did to me but God knows how grateful I am.

So today is also the practical exam for Physical Education. Of all my courses this is what I do not like the most because I always feel awkward doing all the exercises and I am not physically fit enough. I can’t wait to be on the third year and get over with P.E. So my friends-classmates has been teasing me about Enervon when I was about to present myself on my teacher and I felt terribly uneasy plus I don’t like PE and every one of them is watching me, it feels like horror. So I end up with a score of seven and eight out of ten, I felt disappointed with the score but I wasn’t disappointed with myself because I don’t like P.E. Again, I don’t like P.E.

So everything is totally fine. It is all fine. Everything went well for my midterm examination. Thanks to God who always guide me, who, when I have no one to count to and call on especially when I feel incapacitated and in doubt, He is always there for me, always there to fill my heart with hope and happiness. Thankful for showering to me surprising blessings that I felt so much overwhelmed. Thanks, Lord.

Second Semester

This is the saddest semester for me.

I may continue encoding and writing this part and the rest when I have the time.