The Next Time I'll Fall

So this is a poem, ought to be spoken. I wrote this last January 24, 2020, when a close friend of mine asked me to write one so that she can present this spoken poetry in her English class. And I like this piece actually, it presents both my fear of heights and of falling to people who won't even care about me in the end. We all want a man who will, of course, help us with our struggles, accepts all our flaws and dents and will tell us we are beautiful, a man who is faithful, a man who loves you first more than anything else in the world (except his family definitely), and a man who won't give you a broken heart, and basically a man who loves you first before you love him (because sometimes it is better that way).

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I am afraid to fall, every time I am in heights I thought I’m going to die. But you came in – and all the sweats I had from my anxiety all run dry.

You held my hand and I gained some hope, all the fears and shadows you did unrope. You beautifully fill the spaces between my fingers, the way you fill the emptiness in my head that lingers.

Honestly, I actually hid that emptiness, for its easy to pretend and keep it inside than allow others to witness my heart that has dried But you told me I was as lovely as the moon having craters in it, amidst the darkness, you told me ‘You can shine. You are splendid’.

So I took courage and showed you my heart and so you saw my scars. And I was happy seeing you still there witnessing, amazed by the carves. Amazed by the idea that my hollows are not enough to outrun my strength, the strength to keep the faith and live despite the brokenness life has given.

You told me ‘I’ll hug you and listen and be with you as always’. So I cast my fears of heights and went with you at the summit. You told me ‘The world is fucking wonderful and the sky is the limit’. I thought it was then a good time to allow myself to fall and overcome it, overcome the fears, the heartaches, and all the pain the world gives.

So I close my eyes and breathe – you release your grip and all alone I fall at the summit. *you are a liar for making me believe that you will be with me always. You did not solely scarred my heart, but you made it extremely cold and dead.

Now I am telling myself – the next time I fall, I’ll make sure I’ll fall the second and watch my man fall for me first. But first, let me warm and stitch my heart and regain its beats that was lost when you left it.

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