Ten Things I Know To Be True (#3- Falling)

But, third, I am not only afraid of the heights, of falling, but I am also frightened of what it is in there after falling and be into it, be tied to a soul whom I’ll fall hard, so hard that I might either suffice myself with joy through the process or I’ll bleed internally, too wreck. It just happened that I am surrounded by the brokenness that I could not take even a single pace of engaging my heart to another. I’ve witnessed two and more whose soul was pound by a hard mortar in a pestle of misery, and I hate knowing that it was my mom whom I am seeing, and my sister too, with all the curse carved in the four-lettered word, love.

That I even thought of- it’s okay not to get into it if the price would be not feeling the pain that it would be finer if I would not invest a single part of me knowing that there will always be an end. (I am afraid that we will fall out of love at the end of the day).

I am afraid of cutting the tightropes especially when I have gone far walking through it. I do not like venturing with unfinished road maps for I will just end up losing paths. It is simply not engaging myself to a thing where anytime there is a possibility of faltering, of not being able to maintain the momentum of the relationship and lose what is used to be unwavering, just like how my mom reminds me every time that as much as possible I should not engage into it because there will always be a pain, a pain that will disturb my whole being, deluge, get drown, shatter. But we both know there will always be, it’s something inevitable.

So once I took the risk, I just hope, I never wish for wishing are for those that are unattainable, while hopes are those that I am confident enough to come true, be real; and so I hope that you and I were descents of the same star that burst billions of years ago in a supernova during big bang at least I knew that we possess the similar molecules, the similar elements, the similar life that brought us together, that meeting you wasn’t a coincidence but our palms itself says we’re meant for each other, that there is enough reason to hold on despite the thorns, to embrace each flaw without any doubt, to never end it up, to never cut the story short when I am hoping that the story will not end because it is meant for forever and that I would be able to say to you that you are wrong, that there were no happy endings. I do not like happy endings, because I am hoping that the same chemicals that run through our veins are infinite and that I am hoping to grow old with you, and death won’t separate us just as how the stars die but still its fragments were existing and so we are. I am hoping with no endings but of sole happiness, that there might be pain but I hope we choose to not to falter, not to waver, not to fall out of love and not to choose of ending it up because I know that you know I am not only afraid of brokenness that I might feel when it happens, but because you are man enough to accept, love the whole me, you commit yourself to me for you wouldn’t want to watch me broken.