The Unbearable Heaviness of Being

July 28, 2019 | Inspired by Milan Kundera but I think the other way

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If lightness itself is considered to be unbearable, how much more is heaviness? When the weight is too burdensome and you know that you could hardly carry it yourself, how long can you bear the weight? How long can you find the meaning when world is built with absurdity? When it takes no reason nor faith to mount from lostness, how considerable would it be to live? When your heart is antagonizing your aloof soul, how long can reconciliation be done?

Beneath my skin, where you can find somethings pumping resides an appeasement. An appeasement with my soul that it has to be at peace no matter how overly strained I am. I can hear its melodious agony, as well as its melancholies in my bed that is exploited from tears and as well as infliction. And there is a quite sturdy border¹ between what's pumping inside me and my soul for too long that only today I was able to recognize that it exist and was not able to take notice that they were slowly building a wall to confine each other. However, I am willing to break it down to solicit and cry for freedom from both parties. They have been at cold war since I was thirteen, my heart against my soul, and my soul against my heart, ignoring the promise of serenity. There were times outbreaks happens, pressures taking place but good to see it had not been turning into bloody wars. Cold war is much finer than bloody wars because I could hardly imagine how it will be like. Never ready for huge casualties, cold war inside me is not as troublesome compared to the inward bloody fights I see from people who slaughter themselves. Fine enough that this heart and soul choose not to destroy each other which may as well cause my fatal end

I had been used to the idea that heart and soul are supposed to complement at the same time, but how certain am I? Heart is supposed to connect to my soul and so is my soul to my heart. It was said that it is in the heart where I can see emotions and as I glance to each of its corners there where holes, and some parts are void. Maybe it began to numb and indifference has annexed within it. That wall my heart inside built separates my human-person. My heart makes me a physical being. Now I am only human, for with the walls I couldn't be a person. Because my soul holds my incorporeal yet substantial self-system. My soul will fill each of my heart's holes and load the emptiness. My soul though finding it formidable to bridge with my heart, it has come back with pacifying wisdom. It is willing to take risks to extinguish the isolation and detachment they fired with each other.

But how come it came to this point, a distance between a heart and a soul is lightyears away. It began six years ago with the too much weight my heart has been carrying, that my soul could vigorously and relentlessly console. But as my problems submerges more inside me, my heart went more troubled and perplexed. My soul reaching out its hands, yet can't fathom the deepeness where my heart shelters itself. When souls, an immaterial essence, is on the first place are the actuating cause of life in my physical being, when it’s the reason for my heart to beautifully posses its life, why can't it subdues swiftly the pain my heart is enduring?

Maybe, my soul is struggled too by my troubles, slightly swayed, that even itself which is supposed to be the strongest is losing faith. It was faith. It was having the belief and trust on myself, on people and on someone Divine that fuels my faith and faith fueling my soul; but again my soul is losing faith and is not able to reach out to my heart that is half empty, finding refuge at the very deep because it cant find one with my soul that is again losing its faith. Both my heart and my soul can't soothe themselves building walls as Ive said making my heart out if reach.

However, today, after six years though walls seems so bare and towering I can see that my soul has find its faith-deposits through time that is simply excavated within the faces of the people around me. So there is no way that my soul cannot surmount the depth as to where my heart lies and extend its hands to my heart and lift my heart to soar from the dark drowning waters of the deep pain.

But, sadly, my soul found my heart pale, bloated and blue and then, dead. Would it be possible to live with a soul but without a heart? No, it's not dead, it just had gone to a temporary cessation of beats, now impaired. And I believe it is always possible to live with my soul and an impaired heart.

Every heart perhaps are impaired, everyone's heart are. Every soul perhaps sometimes loses faith, everyone's soul does. The unbearability of heaviness around me puts my heart and faith to excessive dissonance and struggle. How long can it take the weight? How long can I take?